I am already in love with them

When She Loved Me, by Sarah Mclachlan

2009-01-10T09:18:00.000-08:00

When somebody loved me

Everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together

Lives within my heart

And when she was sad

I was there to dry her tears

And when she was happy so was I

When she loved me

Through the summer and the fall

We had each other that was all

Just she and i together like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely

I was there to comfort her and I knew that she loved me

So the years went by

I stayed the same but she began to drift away

I was left alone

But still i waited for the day

When she'd say i will always love you

Lonely and forgotten

I never thought she'd look my way

When she smiled at me and held me just like she used to do

Like she loved me

When she loved me

When somebody loved me

Everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together

Lives within my heart

When she loved me

And we all had a fun morning...

2008-10-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time, maybe... 10 years?

2008-10-07T00:50:00.000-07:00

I finally decided to update.

Okay lah, though I am kinda pressed for time these days, I gotta confess that I am not updating not due to lack of time. But due to lack of mood.

Make that an understatement.

Overwhelmed, with my new responsibilities and commitment to a totally dependent creature.

That was an understatement too.

And because this is a public blog, I am going to be totally superficial today and show you the rosy pictures of my life, ever since I'd gone missing in action at 31 weeks.

When they decided to haul me in unexpectedly, making my poor colleague Kierra work full shift for 2 weeks straight (or more) when she was due to go for her holiday the day after next. I am not ready to go into details of Kayleen's birth story. Too lengthy. Hai... And too anti-climax lah.

The view that kept me company for the first few stays when I am stuck at KKH with Kayleen showing no signs of ever going to come out.

My niece came to visit. She loved the hospital bed.

Kayleen Ho Xuan Ying arrived on the 28th August 08, 10.18a.m.

Small, at only 2.21kg.

The must have proud daddy picture, I think.

She was an angel the first two days after coming home from the hospital (probably recovering from the birth and the effects of the drugs from the delivery), we were all fooled.

Speed things up a little, Kayleen is one month old.

The full month flower bath

In case you miss Meow Meow, haha...

In case you miss Jackie.. Her Da(4) tou(2) zhao(4). Haha...

And of course, my cheeky little niece.

Something is wrong with the video file I uploaded below, the image and sound came out synchronized. My niece squeezed into the baby bouncer and imitated Kayleen hiccuping and crying for milk. It was my mum egging her to do the mimicking in the first part of the video.

That's all for now, guys. I need to run again. Will update again soon. Hopefully, I'd be able to gather my thoughts together to write a little more than a brainless photo blog. :)

Going on 31 weeks

2008-07-10T02:45:00.001-07:00

Overwhelmed at times with unexpected and sudden bouts of fatigue or heartburn, now thick into the third trimester of my pregnancy... Forgive me people, for taking a long break from updating.

This is the stage I have been giving childbirth and labour itself, some really serious thoughts. I really do not mind the baby staying inside for as long as she wants to, at this point, if not for the disadvantages of a severely overdue baby. It has been really nice to be able to bring her to work and everywhere else I go now, to have company (and constantly reminded that I have company through her nudges and kicks) even when I am alone.

The last US scan I had, it really seemed like she was growing out her pudgy arms and thighs, putting on fat and running out of space in there. Wow, my little snowman with a circle for her head and a circle for her body and four circles for her limbs, is finally starting to resemble a real human form.

That really explains the strong kicks and movements that fair takes my breath away sometimes. I think I would really miss these sensations when she is born. I would miss speculating if it is a hand, a leg or just her tiny bottom sticking out to make a really strange looking lopsided belly. Eeeewwww... Ugly.

I can't believe I only have two more months left. All I can think about now, is whether my pain threshold can live up to my expectations. I am so curious to meet my baby, to know if she is gonna be exactly like whom I have bonded with all these months. But fear of the unknown parameters of physical pain is causing some anxiety too.

I feel like a first timer attempting a full 42km marathon, stubbornly wanting to attempt raw labour without the much talked about miracle epidural. I just want to know, how.. just how did our mothers do it without these fancy frills. Suddenly, I feel sorry for always teasing Julian about his passion for marathons and triathalons. I think I know why you are doing it now, Jules! If you are reading this. Ha..

With only two months to full term, my baby list is giving me a headache everytime I go through it. It is hard to believe how many things a tiny baby actually needs. Apparently, they term it basic neccessities. Which is meaning to say, everything must buy.

Thank God for family, mum especially, for preparing all the numerous hankies, towels and newborn clothes and mittens. Not to mention the many miscellaneous items like creams and what nots. I still find it hard to believe that these tiny life forms need some many things to survive. They are alot more easy going when they are inside you, huh?

Aye, forgive a clumsy and sleepy pregger's rantings. I am just having an especially boring and grumpy tired day. I'd get over it tomorrow. =)

Long overdue: Updates at 27weeks and into my last trimester...

2008-06-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

I finally purchased my first baby item. Her sleeping space! I was quite disappointed that the one I like didn't come in pink. See, Mr Jee Bu Sai is sitting on the baby changing mat.

This is the clearest picture I'd taken of my bum. I took it at about 23 weeks, I think. The baby still seem a little low. According to the gynae, I have a low-lying placenta. At this point, you can still see the slight dip where my belly button is at. When the uterus travels up and above the navel, the belly button would soon become an outie! Yucks, I hope it won't become all creased when it pops back.

I did something really naughty the other night. I was bored, and home alone at about 2a.m. HGS have to be at the warehouse to supervise the shipment arrivals again. It was really quiet, you know, with the dog asleep and the cat probably asleep and nothing good on TV. Oh and zero movements from the belly, so baby probably asleep too. I started poking and exploring this foreign, bulky and rock hard weight I carry all day, commonly known as the baby bum. I poked and pushed a few times... No response.

Wow, I'd like her to sleep like that when she is born.

I poked a little harder, once... twice... I felt the tiniest kick. Then I pressed a little harder. Again, just a groggy little kick. At that moment, I can almost picture a ballooon from my tummy that says, "Arghh... sleeping dun disturb leh!"

This is so fun. I could wake her up if I want. *sniggers...*

The Tom and Jerry fanatics.

She loves the camera.

My mum made this. It is a Jello Cheesecake.

My fluff friends' drink, The Mojito and the yummy tofu cheesecake.
Mojito - So it's a lime drink with Seven-Up and mint leaves. :) I got so excited to know it actually exist! Hai... suaku...

May was a busy month, my mum's burfday

And Mothers' Day

Before I end the entry, wanna share a snippet between me and my colleague, Kierra.

Kierra: You're so fucked up!

Eva: Yeah I am, can't u see?

Kierra: Oh yah! You are fucked up so now you are screwed with a kid!

Yeah, I'm screwed. Hai..

Half baked: Personal reflections along the way

2008-05-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

No

It hasn't been a bed of roses

But I understand that even if marriages were made in Heaven

Alot of details have to be worked out here on Earth

It's not time to worry yet

It's not time to let go

Please believe that I know what I am doing

I'm strong enough to get it done my way

With your support and cheering me on

Yes

I'm not tired yet and

It's not tough

Not yet

Don't worry

Enjoy this all,

Together with me. =)

20.9 weeks and ...

2008-05-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

I'm a girl! =)

Meow's paw

2008-04-29T05:16:00.003-07:00

The things we do when we ar bored, especially to our pets.

Child Abuse Video (Part 2)

2008-04-29T05:16:00.001-07:00

Sorry for I did not realise I held my blurry handphone camera the wrong way up.

Child Abuse Video (Part 1)

2008-04-29T05:15:00.001-07:00

Caution: Hideous laughter in video.

18 something weeks

2008-04-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

HGS's attempt to outwit the arcade's Jackpot machine because the prize was a ...

Eeyore, the donkey. My niece has an unusual obsession with this Eeyore fellow.

Lilo is really quite ugly after all. Jackie wasn't even interested in destroying it when we brought it home for her.

We got our Eeyore!

We also got enough sweets to last us for the next couple of years...

There she is.

Updates: I'm not showing, not yet. I merely look fat. Arrgghh...

The movements I have been feeling since 16 weeks has become pretty obvious by now. It is becoming easy to predict the times BB is asleep and awake. It seems to get a little more excited when Kierra and Brenda speaks, nudging repetitively from inside. To think back, it got pretty excited during the match on TV a few days ago, Man U vs Arsernal. I think it was HGS's shouting, it got it going.

It was really weird initially, and frustrating, trying to differentiate if it was gas, muscle spasms or the first movements. But now as it prods and nudges insistently the way you can't miss it even when I was up and about, active, I'd have to say it's really pretty entertaining.

Just finished a satisfying pep talk with Mr Ho. That would probably last him for the next 2 weeks or so. I'm contented, for now. =)

Starting to keep track at 17 weeks =)

2008-04-08T15:31:00.000-07:00

"Hi guys, there I was at 10.8weeks..."

I was reading an article on water birth last night and it explained the reason why pregnant women often feel spaced out and forget things. I always thought it had to do with hormones, but was unsure why.

A very simple explanation is that our brain is divided into 2 parts, the thinking part of the brain and the emotional part of the brain. It is the emotional part of the brain which releases hormones essential for your baby's development. The only way for your brain to release these hormones is to shut down part of the thinking part of the brain, thus we feel a little retarded from time to time.

This is also true during labour as your body needs to dump all sorts of hormones to help the uterus contract. I have heard of "Labour Land" the place that women retreat to in labour - this is because the thinking brain has taken a backseat for a while. It is extremly important during labour to feel relaxed and comfortable in your surroundings so you don't have to use the thinking part of your brain as it will release endorphins and adreniline which can block the hormones and cause labour to slow down.

Once you are fully dilated your thinking brain will kick in, block your emotional brain from dumping hormones and release all those endorphins and adreniline so you will feel the urge to push. After the baby is born once again your thinking brain takes a backset and large amounts of the hormone Oxytocin are dumped causing you to fall madly in love with your little bambino and at the same time helps you to birth the placenta.

It is just so cool that our body just knows how to do all that!

And I wonder how I am going to survive the next 5 months, given how blur and absent-minded I was to begin with. Hai..... XP

Hi Eliza, here they are!

2008-04-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

-01022008-

2008-02-11T22:17:00.001-08:00

2007 - A year of fond memories

2007-12-25T01:34:00.001-08:00

I know what I want this X'mas

2007-12-18T20:38:00.000-08:00

Life.

Mine,

it's always been full of irony and strange twists.

God must've been meaning to teach me mini lessons

For He did not cripple me

He did leave the window open this time.

It took a few weeks for the whole disarray of emotions to pass

I do hope I'm done being angry with myself

It was pretty unpleasant

Feeling angry with everything and everyone for such a long period of time

It was difficult to live with

Myself.

I know what I want this Christmas

There is a list of fathers and husbands I hope would drop dead asap,

if that is not achievable, please just turn them into a vegetable.

Thanks Ah Pa, Amen!

Say...

2007-10-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Just when I was resigning myself to the fate of a short-lived-cruel-twist-of-ironic-fate ending

The prospects of having my reproductive tubes ruptured and cut off

Scares me a million times more than immediate death itself

Silly to entertain such thoughts I know

I just cannot stand the thought of never being able to be good enough

For the life I wanted to lead

For the partner I would want to be with

I'm so tired of waiting

I'm so tired of worrying

I'm so sick of the lack of answers to their unconfident diagnosis

Is this it?

I dun wanna look at the websites anymore

But I cannot help looking them up over and over again

Typing different variations of key search words

Only to get the same answers over and over again

"Nobody can confirm, anything is possible...."

Treading into the big unknown...

2007-09-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

I really did not expect anyone to understand

But my perspectives are clear

Life might just become a little harder

But I know that I would be able to get by anyway

I know I would be able to put all things right

Because I would never allow Life to whip me into submission again

Call me cocky

But I would resolve everything along the way

One by one

Step by step

I aim to make the best of whatever may come

The occurences are God's will

The obstacles are God's way

There are no doubts casted now

I am not worried

Because this is me

And this is what I want.

Long Overdue : Warning - Extremely Graphic

2007-09-13T20:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the long period of absence. No internet access, plus, busy busy trying to sell my flat below ...

The most memorable birdday I had this year - 2007

(Yes dear, my friends saved your arse, you can actually say that again and again and again...)

I love this, my Black Angus Prime Rib.

Tiramisu at Modesto's

Narcissistic Willie *snigger*

A sweet surprise from Joey

And Mack.
(Now you know why I am getting fat, wait til you see below...)

NYDC with Kierra and the strange monkey with a misplaced tail...

Thanks to Jules and Brenda, salmon sashimi is so totally outta the league now, dammit...

There goes the prettiest steamer I'd ever had.

Ramu's Curry

Meridien Hotel Food Court

She's just happy to visit Sentosa for the 1st time.

But so friggin tired after an extremely active (and chaotic) day.

And as a lazy person blogs, here, my niece.

More pictures of her when she is more fun okie? Now she's no fun...

Byeee! :)

A long time ago

2007-08-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

The biggest regret of my life

The enormous folly of youth

Sorry seems so small and insignificant

As our chapter was given a proper closure

As our passion once fiesty and wild were given a proper burial

Along with our shattered dreams of hope, faith and youth

Emotions suppressed

The proper mourning in place was deprived

This closure would be for you

I'm sorry

I know you are sorry too.

Mama says I must act like a girl now that she's got me a new dress...

2007-07-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

The back view

Yeah right, like hell I will.

*snigger.. snigger..*

五月天志明与春娇 Live

2007-07-10T05:27:00.001-07:00

Now this was what we were trying to sing the last time we went KTV. In case Brenda wondering, you know?

I must have been outta my mind.

I dunno but it's okay

2007-07-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

Treading softly treading gingerly, each step unsteady and overwhelmed, with a strange concoction of mingled new hopes and old fears.

I abhor the uncertainty and unfamiliarity, as we bring this bond into a different transition.

What would you think if I do this or that? The uncertain little girl had to act up in me.

My vulnerability exposed and defences let down once again, as I struggle to meet new expectations, and you try your best to keep up with old demands. When you no longer deemed them necessary, but you are trying to understand why.

My cynicism kept under wraps, when you could somehow present me the renewed confidence and strength each time we fall. I may not be sure, I may tread in fear, but I want to place my last stakes in this gamble together with you.

The Demanding Bitch

2007-06-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

If I had caught her on video, you would be able to see her drumming her nails impatiently.

Yeah right ...

I had some fun editing food pictures taken from my lousy camera phone and managed to revive some 'too dark' pictures I snapped.

What else do you name a new pub on the block owned by a lao beng? Shunfu estate is infested with pubs of all sorts these days.

Another mindless, senseless photo entry. These days, I am too lazy to even put in captions.

It's not my fault that I'm attempting to illustrate some mindless, senseless days. Pretty much brain dead these days to have any proper train of thoughts to put together in one entry. I mean I've gotten my divorce, what else do I have left to write about??!!!

I'd write something else after I stop celebrating. XP

She simply hates that ringtone and he is just finding an excuse to change mobile phone ...

2007-06-10T14:22:00.000-07:00

Precaution: Hideous laughter in the background.

Adam Sandler - Grow Old With You

2007-06-06T05:40:00.001-07:00

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

*This one's for Brenda*

Solarised Pictures

2007-06-05T19:30:00.000-07:00

The Man, The Dog and The Filipino Maid.

Photo Blogging updates because ...

2007-06-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

I'm lazy and too sleepy to write. *Yawn* Dun care.

I like rainy afternoons - When I am on the way home and there are sheltered walkways all the way from dropoff point to home. Ha! As I am trying not to spend money like water these days, the month of June brings forth plenty of domesticated activities which minimises costs and also public mass transport.

Domesticated Activities (1): As retarded me discover a whole new feature in my Sony Ericsson phone camera. Dang, three Jackies!

Domesticated Activities (2): We were just horsing around. Willie's suppose to be making funny faces or something. Hmm.. he's not very good at it hur? There is this really funny video we took but I am not suppose to post it here. I think they said I would ruin his future or something, if I do that.

Domesticated Activities (3): Xiaoxue - making herself comfortable. The princess whom wans to be around us humans but turns Shrek when you rub her up the wrong way.

Domesticated Activities (4): Eating at home is definately cheaper than dining out. I am determined to cut down on my restarant dining statistics.

Domesticated Activities (5): I dun nap in the day. I go into a frenzy of housework then laze in bed to watch TV and feel good for the rest of the day. Yes, I am a freak.

Us, at TCC GWC. My hands were itchy and I was boliao.

The Domesticated Me - Month of June 2007, To be continued...

They obviously dun own a blog

2007-05-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

Hmmm......

Musings

2007-05-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

I feel it

The familiar surge of unrest and fidgety that follows

Guess I couldn't handle it so well after all

Guess I just wasn't as matured as I thought I was

I'm getting along fine and I'm happy everyday

But as usual

I just thought it could be a little better than this

I have been down that road before

It's all a waste of time and energy and money

And I swore I'm so so done and over it

But the overwhelming desire kicked in so suddenly

I gasped for breath and in surprise

I knew I just had to give this one last shot

Fuck, I just wanna go clubbing just one last time before they ban smoking in the clubs in July leh.

Maybe

2007-04-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

Could it be that she's been trying to turn you into a photocopy

When you had cried out for help

And she had tried her best to help you

In the only way she knew how

Perhaps the photocopy statement was really quite unfair after all

There could've been better ways to convey

Maybe better ways to discuss

Perhaps better ways to share

For all of us, our friendship surely runs deeper and goes beyond

All these new gadget techno-saavy internet friendster pals

Maybe, just maybe

Disappointment hurts many a friendships without recorded statistics

As much as it had done to our love relationships

Happy Birthday Willie!

2007-04-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

Steady boh? HARO KITTY CAKE we got specially for Little Willie's Birday!

Hmmm... cake abit small hur? Aiyah it's the thought that counts mah, no?

Maybe cake's not that small, Willie's too big.

Okie lah, I admit we were naughty lah. Getting him a cake to make him pose for pictures in all kinds of funny expressions. But at least this year he did not have cake in his face, hair and whipped cream up his nose mah. Dun say we always bully you okay?

PUI PUI PUI

2007-04-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

Ninabu stupid trainer, these days your lungs big enough and you can shout can be trainer liao.

See, I is not alone: http://kierra.wordpress.com/2007/04/03/what-kinda-workshop-was-that/

Hello friend, breaking down the cost of the purchase to how much you pay each day of the purchase's lifespan is nothing new lah, I used it 8 years ago and consumers are alot smarter these days silly.

Oh and before I forget, if you think you got alot of integrity by telling customers they cannot afford our products and they are not for them straight in the face, then you are wrong wrong wrong cause you are being downright condescending and humiliating. Oh, and self-righteous too.

Stop insisting that ONLY your method is the correct method if you wanna start off with niceties like we are all here to SHARE and LEARN FROM ONE ANOTHER. Everything you say is contradicting yourself every 5 minutes anyway.

His name is Daniel and he is from Institute for Strategic Communication.

Remember to take MC if your Boss ever decides to send you there for training by him.

Guest Blogger - Jackie

2007-03-26T04:51:00.000-07:00

Hi guys, my mummy has been so busy these days (or maybe she's just lazy hiak hiak..) that she hardly updates her blog even!

I think I would just secretly upload these wayyy wayyy overdue pictures and briefly narrate what we've been up to . . .

I got a new RED rubber squeaby ball!! And guess what? It's been almost a week and I have not destroyed it yet! Guess this one is for keeps. :)

Yeah I liked my new ball so much I even sleep with it!

I wasn't too happy the day before though... I had to stay in bed for hours and hours just because my mummy was doing her spring-cleaning (again?!)

Look at how happy Auntie is in the picture! I know she secretly lub lub me lor, I'm not that sure about Meow Meow though.

Brenda, my mummy and her friends went over to Mack's house to hang out and disturb the above attached supposedly demonic cat, the name's Genghis.

And all Brenda would do was to eat. And she din even have the decency to bring some back for me!

The supposed view as they dangle their feet from the top floor of the project, no railings GAH~

Mack and Wanqi

Of course, I would prefer they hang out at Liquid Kitchen or Brenda's place. So I dun have to be home alone mah. Willie did not look very sure when I told him to bring Hunter to Brenda's house too.

Brenda looked too busy to give me my nightly massages.. =*(

I peeked into my mummy's paperbag the other day and thought mummy bought pretty dresses and rompers for me!!!

Fat hope bitch, dream on...

(It was for mummy's niece lah)

There is a cat strolling downstairs that looks more delicious than Kiddie...

Maybe if I could just pretend I need to go pee again, hmmm...

Gah~ it din work and I cannot go for an extra walk. Guess I just have to watch cable TV...

They watch channel 55 all day without sparing a thought to turn on 'Animal Planet' for me...

Ah, finally my slave is free to gimme my massage. I lub you Li Ping, whatever you doing just dun stop okay?

So guys, you can see that life has been simple, peaceful and enjoyable. Til next time lah okay? Very late oredi. Good Night!

If I knew how, I would have had a title for this...

2007-03-13T05:05:00.001-07:00

王菀之 - 我真的受伤了

It never occurred to me that the dull aching pain in me could be so intense

Until the most most vulnerable side of you unveils

Until the sorrow which was never too far beneath the facade you always put up for us resurfaces all at once

Not knowing what to make of this, nor how to react nor respond to it all

I almost panicked when I felt that I could perhaps possibly make a gracious exit

Before I break down too

And start crying for you.

愛與誠-古巨基

2007-02-27T07:24:00.001-08:00

愛與誠 - 古巨基
曲︰曹雪芬@宇宙大爆炸
詞︰林夕
編︰TED LO

其實自己一個更開心　只等你講
其實大家早已嫌大家卻扮忙
恨有多一點碰撞
仍然無聊事幹不敢打攪對方
要是你願意　誠實講一趟
彼此都起碼覺得釋放

不要哭　我也忍得了這些年來的委曲
沒法真心愛下去　只好真心真意的結束

＊別再做情人　做隻貓　做隻狗
不做情人　做隻寵物至少可愛迷人
和你不瞅不睬　最終只會成為敵人
淪為舊朋友　是否又稱心
沒有心　只像閒人
若有空　難道有空可接吻
註定似過路人陌生　你怎麼手震
這預告　發自虔誠內心〕

長期被迫戀愛也真比　失戀更慘
長期扮演若無其事般　更困難
是我專登反應慢
明明為時甚晚　牌一早該要攤
再像我伴侶　仍望多一眼
一生都將會記得今晚

重唱　＊

對不起　自動分手錯愕的你怕會傷感
盲目的我　現在也可轉台來賀你新生

別再做情人　做隻貓　做隻狗
不做情人　做隻寵物至少可愛迷人
和你相交不淺無謂明日會被你憎
淪為舊朋友　是否又稱心
沒有心　只像閒人
若有空　難道有空可接吻
註定似過路人陌生　你怎麼手震

Wei's sidenote: This song really reflect my sentiments. I might just do better if I woof for my man's attention instead. Haha

JRT - The destroyer

2007-02-26T14:39:00.000-08:00

She keeps destroying the stuffed toy squeabies, so we decided to get a rubber one...

It didn't work. Time to give up...

Jackie humps

2007-02-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

The things your pets do to you when you are asleep.

Jackie go cheong

2007-01-26T15:41:00.000-08:00

You know, I am really happy to be here. Not many dogs get to go pubbing okay?

No need for the menu, babe. I'd just have that pretty pink cocktail, erm wat's it's name? Ar.. something pussyfoot.

What? They dun serve dogs drinks here? Then why the hell you bring me along? %$^%^#*(&*(#*(*#(*(*#^%&amp;*()_*$$& *toot*toot*toot*

Disappeared for a good reason

2007-01-18T12:17:00.000-08:00

Not blogging because of inability to relate to my personal inner struggles and express frustrations effectively...

(Or maybe I am just horny)

Will be back when I have figured things out.

2007 in a few hours time...

2006-12-31T18:55:00.000-08:00

Say goodbye to Year 2006

Another exciting year is passing on

So many milestones that took place this year

It was indeed one of the most memorable year

25 years and counting

* * * * * *

There was love lost,

Love that maybe one day I might find again.

There were friends I thought I m keeping,

Only to lose them again.

There were people I deemed aquaintances,

Whom brought me so much joy and companionship and love,

I could not thank them enough.

For they just always seem to be there,

Least of where I expected them to be,

But when I needed friends most.

I have a family I rediscovered,

(Ashamed to say, at the age of 25...)

I re-evaluated my defination of 'kin' in life,

It means loving unconditionally,

Okay, I promise to try my best at all times.

I have the tendency to sum up everything,

And just give it a big red tick at the end.

I would say I had a good year at work,

Not because I had a smooth sailing one,

Erm, quite the contrary actually.

There were so many times I was this close to throwing in the towel,

Yeah told you I am a quitter.

Dun harp on the virtues of perserverence and determination,

They dun quite work on me,

Just congratulate me I have come this far.

Sitting here, typing the last entry of 2006,

I realise how tired I have been,

How glad I could look forward to next year,

Yet how grateful I am for the family, friends and neighbour.

They were there for me n together with me this year,

For all the good times and the bad.

May we look forward to even better times and more challenges to come,

At least with all of you,

I know I could look forward to so much more.

Happy 2007 to everyone out there

Cheers!

I want to bash your goofy face in and trample on your balls with my heels til you could only pick up the remains with a tweezer and blotter

2006-12-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

We hear so many stories about women turning ugly in the face of divorce over assets and alimony.

There are as many stories about men turning shameless in times of divorce.

David once made a personal trip down to my house, shamelessly accompanied by his mother and brother-in-law to ask for alimony after our divorce.

He said he deserved alimony because he spent the best years of his life 'taking care of me'.

Yeah, he took good care to bash me into great shape using the best years of his life.

No no no how could I ever dispute the biggest accomplishment of his life?

What I encountered was probably not worth mentioning. I deserved most of it because I did not fight back, neither did I try to seek help to prevent it from happening. Besides, they are no longer my nightmares, they are all ending very soon.

It does not make me feel proud to mention here what a dumbass I had been for the past 25 years.

I just want to reinforce the fact that yes, there are men whom actually deserve to have all their assets stripped and pay alimony for the rest of their lives.

Stamp "CONDEMNED BY WOMEN'S CHARTER - THE UNFAIR ASSOCIATION OF SINGAPORE BUT SO WHAT WE WON AT THE END SO THERE" on the foreheads.

Better still, tattoo it on them.

I is so angry! Pui pui pui!

Sick on an offday - Make that extremely sick

2006-12-12T16:57:00.000-08:00

I was bed-ridden the whole of yesterday, barfing non-stop and having the runs. Being dehydrated to the point I ran on high temperature all day, drifting in and out of sleep for more than 24 hours.

Darn it! This always have to happen on my day off. Blardy hell wasted my only day off of the week.

Still, am extremely touched ; The one whom cancelled all commitments and appointments to take care of me for more than 24 hours without sleep.

Damn it, you always have to do these things to make me cry.

An irritating colleague called a few times yesterday. You know that one you could always trust to call you on your day off. And she never fails to exercise great perserverance and determination too, by calling til you pick up her calls.

She calls to have a good old bitching session. Nevertheless, I was definately not up to it yesterday, so to prevent her from wearing out the batteries on my mobile phone, my duty nurse of the day had to inform her that I was sick and sleeping in.

First thing she did this morning was to call the gallery to find out if I was really sick yesterday or simply avoiding her calls.

Ohhhh.. Fuck fuck fuck, can't believe the extend she would go sometimes!

I hate insecure peepur.

Need not read - It's gonna be a total waste of your time

2006-12-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

It still hurts

I hate myself for being so weak

Weak at letting go

Weak at accepting the past as the past

This is so uncool

I dun like myself this way

I just want to be

A cynical and cool spinster whom keeps a dozen cats

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

Oh I am going to be such a fucktard for saying this

I hate you for leaving this as it is

Oh well, fucking forget it.

Time to stop and smell the flowers, dude. Rejoice in being a quitter.

2006-11-28T19:18:00.000-08:00

Let's call it a day

We are more than ready to

We had enough reruns of the same old arguements

They always seem to conclude inconclusively each time anyway

Why do we even stick together

When we only fill up each other's lives with ugly lies and angry words

The hurt we inflict

Cancels out any little joy our companionship may bring

If we could even recall these so-called memories

When we are too busy dismissing

When we are too caught up dissing

When you make me pour a cup of coffee for you and I call it sacrifice

When I asked you to marry me and you call me a selfish jerk

14th February St Valentines' Day

2006-11-15T20:48:00.000-08:00

Is the day my divorce is finalised

Ironies of irony

I finally found new meaning to celebrate this day

I would never say it's so commercialised again

The only Valentines' Day gift I ever got all these years from David

Yet the best I have ever received to date

Bet you can't beat that, guys

You could choose a special day to marry

But you can't get a more interesting date for divorce like mine

I can't wait

*Big Smile*

What happened hur?

2006-11-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

"Days of Green Tea Ice-Cream, Strawberries, Mugging, & Irresponsibilities

And so it continues.......

Days merging into days of endless mugging, with near naught going into this muddled brain.

Days of conjuring up bitter green-tea ice-cream from raspberry flavoured ice-cream.

Days of strawberries from Freo markets.......

And more mugging.....

And so it is...the final couple of weeks before the official demise of my time in XXX Uni......and 3 more weeks before my darling flies home to begin an exciting new phase of her academic life, stepping up another rung on the ladder towards our common dream.

Am I excited for her?

DEFINITELY.

Truth is....I can't begin to describe just how proud I am of her....perhaps, this lack of jealousy at the success of another signifies emotional growth.......

Perhaps, it symbolizes something deeper.

Call it listening to the inner child, the innate intuition........whatever it is, I'm gonna miss her during the month we're going to be spending apart......miss our daily dinners together, her laying beside me in bed, the purity of our relationship, regretful of the fact that once back in our beautiful homeland, all this will have to take a backseat.....in the name of respecting the ostracising glares of the society in which we'd both grown up in.

There's something so romantically sweet about my love.....her with-holding her kiss simply because she's got ulcers in her mouth, her incessant worrying about me and how new I am to the dynamics of a gay relationship, her pushing me on to greater heights both academically and emotionally.

Rough ride?

Not really........in fact......no ride has ever been this smooth before.

Irresponsible?

To whom am I being irresponsible to?

No one......not even to myself.

And why am I this sure?

I can't give an answer to that one......just the simple fact that I am. Fullstop.

Perhaps, sometimes, all we need to do is to open our hearts and mind, and ears, to that inner child within us......that gut feeling that has the innate ability to discern between right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable, and who tells us via that teeny tiny lil' feeling, the gentlest tug at our heartstrings, the lightest hint in our consciousness.

Coz nothing is more honest that that intuition......or whatever else one chuses to call it.

It's there for the simple reason from the moment we were born.......to guide us in the path in which lies our destiny......and away from the dangers that we may inherently stray into should we refuse to listen.

If one would only listen enough.......what kind of struggles and tortures will the person be spared from?"

*Link withheld for obvious reasons*

Wei's sidenote: Sigh... all my girlfriends are turning lesbian. Self-justifying gays and lesbians. Siao liao lar.....

The Subaru Car Challenge

2006-11-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

Not many left, but you can see that he is definately tired by now.

Kierra look! A picture of the smoker we spotted on the video cast! Still smoking, haha.. I seriously dunno how smokers do it. Must be twice as tough for them...

This is what they started out with, the first evening, a few hours into the challenge, I think.

***Latest updates: Jules pulled out at a record of 43 hours, the last 40 standing! I believe to be sometime 9plus this morning.

Amazing... because I know I wouldn't have lasted 2 hours. I need the loo every two hours mah.. Nevertheless, he definately deserves a good pat on his back. Great effort Julian!!!

I always knew he loved to punish himself, what with all the marathons and triathalons, but I believe this one surpasses them all, in pushing him beyond his will-power and perserverance. This one is really - mind over body.

Actually, all whom have lasted so long, are already champions in their own ways. Hope no one is too disappointed.

I know Jules won't be too disappointed, because he likes to do these kinda things, sometimes, just for the sake of the challenge. Bobian lah, he's a little into SM. Mack, you could pass your whips and chains to him, you know, if you have no use for them.

Enjoy the pictures, people! I thank everyone on behalf of Jules for all your support.***

*Latest updates: Jules is looking energetic and quite awake at nearly 31 hours now, 74 contestants out of 320 left, if I am not wrong. Jiayou Lianlian!*

Hi guys, as some of you already know, Jules took part in the Subaru Car Challenge and is presently holding strong at 11 hours.

For anyone unaware of this event, here's the link to what's happening:

http://www.mediacorpradio.sg/subaru2006/

Okay, he looks like he's gonna fall asleep soon, but he always looks like he's gonna fall asleep anyway, even halfway through lunch with me, you know.

Do drop by to shout hi (so you could help wake him up abit) if you are in town at Ngee Ann City, his number is 279, or you could drop him an sms to 72346 (30cents each) like this:

MSG Your message to him

Mack, you would love to see what I sent him. I told him if he could last 7 years with a bitch like me, he could last at least 7 days out there. Hahahaha.. I hope it's funny.

He did laugh his head off so I assume I woke him up for awhile.

I wasn't brave enough to write that out in a banner to hold it above my head though, there were so many people there, and the cameras! *gasp* Everyone in Singapore would then know that I'd been a bitch to him.

Anyway, I digressed.

Please shout at him if you bypass Ngee Ann City. Thank you guys!

Just wanted to share

2006-10-29T04:30:00.000-08:00

Came across this: - http://trisha-reloaded.blogspot.com/2006/10/2-hours-that-change-me.html today, kinda touched me.

2 hours that change me

I didn’t know what to expect. It was my first time visiting a one-room HDB flat. I had agreed to help bring a few students to visit a few of these homes that the school had adopted as part of the CIP (Community Involvement Programme). This should be good, I thought.

I wasn’t prepared for this. The walls were dotted with black splotches of what we were told were the droppings of bed bugs. We were warned not to remove our shoes, lean on the walls or sit on the floor. Mr Y sat on a stool and seemed nonchalant about the infestation in his home. The mattress he slept on bore testimony to the nightly battles he had to endure. The bed sheet was clouded with blood stains. Mr Y used to be a coolie who carried sacks of rice. The bachelor now lives alone in his decrepit rental flat, his emaciated body racked with sickness, the money he earned in his younger days long gone to feed his parents’ opium addiction many years ago. He gets $260 from the welfare agency every month, of which about $100 goes into paying his rent and utilities. The remainder he has to magically stretch to cover his food and medical costs.

The bugs had spread from next door to a few flats on the 5th floor where Mr Y lived. You could see them flitting about on the wall, on the floor, among his clothes, even along the corridors. Nobody there could afford a professional pestbuster, and the town council wouldn’t do such favours anyway. So living with these parasites has become a fact of life. Residents living on the other floors talked about the 5th floor as if it was Purgatory and it didn’t seem an inappropriate description.

Then there was 92-year-old Mdm C – so small and wiry she couldn’t have weighed more than 35kg. She had a hole in her neck where her voice box had been removed, so she couldn’t talk. When she saw us, she simply gestured with her hands that she wanted to die. Looking at her forlorn looking home, who could blame her for feeling that way? The food in her kitchen had all gone bad so we gathered she hadn’t eaten for days, or perhaps she had been eating all the rotten stuffs. When you are sick and have to depend on the kindness of neighbours to help you buy even the simplest food, what other choice do you have? She has 2 daughters, one who visits her occasionally. Another, we heard, comes by and steals the NTUC vouchers that volunteers give to her. Is it any wonder Mdm C would rather die?

In all, we visited 7 homes, each one with its own sad story to tell. My heart is exceedingly disturbed by the scenes I saw today. On the one hand, we live in a country that’s boasting of having island-wide free internet access soon and building world-class integrated resorts and yet, in pockets of this land which worships success and one-upmanship shamelessly, there are the forgotten lot who live in homes with rotten food and bug-infested beds.

I thought that by visiting the poor, I would be helping to cheer them up somewhat. How naïve I was. How arrogant I was to think that a simple 20 minute visit can alleviate the misery of people who have to face squalor every single moment of their lives and where sleep offers no respite either from the reality of their wretchedness. I thought I was doing community service. But no, something was done to me. Today, I felt as if the earth beneath my feet had shifted. In the days that follow, I would still go on to live my life of considerable comfort, plan my holidays, do Christmas shopping and enjoy the trappings of prosperity that I have been blessed with. But I could no longer plead ignorance of the shadowy existence of Mr Y, Mdm C and all these unfortunate people who live just a stone’s throw away from me. I find myself asking Him, “Lord, what will You have me do now?”

Tonight, as I crawl between my nice clean sheets, I think of Mr Y and how long the night will be for him. I saw real, in-your-face poverty and human misery today and I’m at a loss as to how to respond. Nothing I can do or say will ever be enough. And yet, if we don’t do anything, what kind of human beings are we?

* * * * * * * * *

Juxtaposed among my anguished thoughts about Mr Y and Mdm C is the noisy ranting of an 18-year-old college kid with her “elite uncaring face”. And this is what I want to say.

There is no glory in being an elite. No honour in trumpeting one’s own success. For if not by a fortunate roll of the dice of life, any of us could end up like Mr Y or Mdm C. Any of us could be born into a family visited by sorrow upon sorrow, where circumstances work against you and fate tosses you around like sand, so that you can’t get out of the shit even if you want to. So for those of us in which life has been unbelievably kind to us, a good measure of gratitude and humility is called for. Survival of the fittest is the rule for the animal kingdom. Surely we are above the beasts? Surely we are meant to rise up higher? Instead of dashing to be the first, perhaps it is far nobler to slow down, and give a hand to the downtrodden, the unfortunate, the unskilled, the retrenched, the slower, the old, the sickly and the poor. When we can restore even a modicum of dignity to our fellow beings who have no hope, surely that makes us more human.

Wei's sidenote: This blog entry made me think about the recent incident whereby the man commited suicide by jumping into the tracks of an oncoming train. When I read about these incidents, I always experience a conflicting disarray of emotions.

I was neither born into an 'elite, uncaring' (favourite phrase of October) well-to-do family, nor a downtrodden family living in poverty. But I find it hard to believe how these people could become so forgotten, could've been left behind for so long, amidst our world-class resorts, world-class fountains and world-class whatever you could think of.

But I couldn't help wondering, apart from the aged, sick and helpless, could we really deteriorate to such poverty in Singapore?

Dun be mistaken, I could relate very well to the living conditions as described in the blog entry above. After all, I stayed in a one room flat for nearly 6 years of my life. The corridors were dim, the only light you could see was a tiny opening at the end of the long rows of flats on each side.

The corridors were barely a metre wide, and each door you bypass emits almost a different stinking odour of it's own.

It was the odour of urine, faeces, stale unchanged clothes. It was the odour of perpetually drunk men, drug addicts chasing the dragon, unwashed and neglected children whom have never known a day of school.

It was the odour of despair, the hopeless, the dying and occasionally, the dead.

Every now and then, a lonely old person would pass on in their tiny flats, forgotten and never to be missed by the living, until the stench of their decomposing corpses finally compels the neighbours to call the police. (You see, most people there would like to have as little to do with the police as possible.)

Ever so often, the patrol cars would arrive in swarms, usually in the middle of the night, to arrest yet another petty murderer or drug addict. Yeah, we've got plenty of manpower and not exactly alot to do anyway, so why take chances?

Never walk along the unsheltered areas above these flats, I soon learnt that many residents' favourite pasttime is to bag their urine and faeces and hurl it from their flats on the next stupid person walking downstairs in the open. At night, some of them like to hurl their empty beer bottles downstairs. I believe they were going for the stray cats, but it is a bonus if it hits a human too.

I have seen many hardworking old people in my 6 years there, in Jalan Kukoh, determined to survive and be independant. Their carts laden with cardboards, begged off the rows of shops, are always too heavy for their frail bodies to push. Many survive on less than $200 a month, but they could still manage to offer a starving stray cat a fish when they see one.

In an ironic sense, kitty eats up fish and rub old lady's feet gratefully and affectionately, only to turn around the corner to be kicked incessantly on it's soft furry body by an abled but frustrated young man.

You see, there are two sides to these group of people. Some of them really deserved it, and I am not even a mean person for saying this today.

Why didn't you choose to take on a lower paying job when you know there are bills to pay and maybe even mouths to feed? As a matter of fact, why not two jobs?

Why do you even choose to have kids when you could barely feed your wife?

How does an abled person ever become so poor in Singapore?

By believing that next weekend you would strike 4-D and you would be set for the rest of your lifetime. (ie. These kind of things hor, hard to say one, cause hor everyone got san suay lok ong mah, my turn will come you just see..)

By believing that every job is too low-class for you (ie. Sales? I think I would be good at it, only I don't like to serve peepur lah. Driver? Pay too low, only if it is $2k a month and the vehicle is a cute little Kangoo and they allow me to drive home lah! Cleaner? U r kidding rite? Siao ar!)

Not making a sweeping statement here, the above are just examples of what my ex-husband like to say during his last 13 years of unemployment. But I believe it speaks true for many of his kind.

I would love to bash Ms Wee's 'elite, uncaring' face in, but you know what? She has a point too.

Selective and subjective applications.

Never easy to handle systematically as a nation and government body but hey, that's why you guys are our million dollar cabinet gahment.

I neber compraint about your salaries, did I?

A Fidgety Post

2006-10-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

Becoming increasingly restless, I can't wait for Year 2006 to be over.

Two more wedding dinners to come in December this year

Two more impossibly-eligible-for-marriage-life bachelors get hitched

Yours truely remain hopelessly left on the shelves than ever.

Okay, yes yes yes, I do feel the pressure

Not desperately but just painfully reminded once a week when a well-meaning friend goes,

"Oi you think you are still young meh?"

You guys are really great friends

Cause my ma tells me only true friends dishes out reminders in such a brutally honest way

No, seriously...

I know you all have been wonderful all these years

But it just scares me to bits

These relationshipey commitmentey thingy

Passion dies out first, in a couple of years if you are lucky

Then Love dies too, in the 4th year if you have practised great judgement powers

You'd be lucky if you have any form of a domestic partnership left at the end of the day

Throw in a couple of cute kids (temperaments might vary upon delivery and all through period of usage)

To provide some distraction and more than one reason to talk to each other in the partnership

In a nutshell my friends,

I am afraid to venture into anything whom I know would probably flop

10 years or 20 years, it doesn't matter

Because to me, nobody stays together for the rest of their lives anymore.

Just an interesting read I stumbled upon

2006-10-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

Link: http://commentarysingapore.blogspot.com/2006/10/on-graduate-women-lowly-educated-men.html

The article is an excerpt from Christopher Ng's upcoming 2nd book, Harvesting the Fruits of Prosperity. More details below about book & author.

Only the fittest shall find marital bliss.

"You might as well show up with your salary printed boldly on your T-shirt. Save the women at SDU the trouble of asking", remarked a cynical male colleague when another fellow worker was talking about attending the next speed dating session organized by the Social Development Unit (SDU).

In this country, even love and romance in are tainted by financial considerations. Nothing seems sacred anymore.

June, 32, is a now an extremely unhappy single in Singapore. A local university graduate, she joined the SDS in the hopes of finding an eligible man, someone humble and unassuming, not your typical credit-card toting yuppie man out on Boat Quay on Friday night.

The Social Development Services, which only matchmakes non-graduates, did a spot check on her. They found that she has a degree and promptly cancelled her membership. June now joins thousands of graduates who infiltrate the SDS every year, only to be caught and kicked out of the organization after their graduate status is discovered.

In a study on marriage trends in Singapore found in the Statistics Singapore website, 32.8% of female graduates aged 30-34 were single in the year 2000. This statistic has decreased over the previous 10 years (from 1990) thanks to the efforts of organizations like the SDU. In contrast, 41% of males aged 30-34 with below secondary education are single. This is a whopping 3.8% increase since 1990.

Can we blame these men for being unwanted and feeling disenfranchised? Their only hope now is to marry foreign brides. That hope in turn is being dashed by a policy which prevents foreign work permit holders from marrying local citizens.

The trends reflect the changing nature of Singapore society over the past 10 years. Graduate women have organizations built for the express purpose of finding their life partners creating a slow but steady improvement in marriage trends. Men with poor qualifications, however, will have to live their lives either being hopelessly single or taking a calculated risk with mail-order brides. Thus we see meritocracy being pushed to its extreme logical conclusion - it evolves into social Darwinism, a term coined by Herbert Spencer, who espoused the theory that only the most capable humans are chosen to dominate. Living in Singapore has become a game of the survival of the fittest. According to social Darwinists, the strongest or fittest should survive and flourish in society, while the weak and unfit should be allowed to die.

If you visit http://www.lovebyte.org.sg, you’ll see that its mission statement says:“We believe in our mission of promoting marriage among graduate singles and inculcating positive attitudes towards marriage among all singles in Singapore to achieve strong and stable families in Singapore.”

It seems to give the impression that the organization wants graduates to get married but other singles to simply appreciate marriage as a wonderful abstract concept.

In our push to do what works and reward those deemed capable, we constantly run into the problem of crude and primitive benchmarks. Our drive to create families with intelligent and capable children, we engineer a master plan to get highly educated people to marry each other creating some sort of a social stratification within our society. (“Does any one here belong to the Graduate caste?”, one might ask.)

Of course social Darwinism with myopic policy-making fails to consider other more personal factors which may be quite significant. Perhaps some graduate women are less willing to play a nurturing role within the family and Asian men have already sensed that and subconsciously marry down. Perhaps children with graduate moms may also have to see less of parents who are high-flying professionals.

Thus the road to hell is paved with good intentions. In our drive to have graduates marry each other, we deny many children the opportunity to have at least one graduate parent to guide them along in their life journey. For now, we have to learn to be aware of the threat of social Darwinism and be mindful to defend ourselves against that.And for June’s sake, could we please merge the SDU and the SDS?

-Christopher Ng Wai Chung ( B.Eng Electrical Engineering, MSc Applied Finance) is the author of Growing your Tree of Prosperity, a book on personal wealth management for the Singapore employee which reached no. 9 in the local bestsellers chart in October 2005.

Wei's Sidenote: I vaguely remember LKY running a similar campaign in the 1980's, encouraging graduate singles to source for partners of a similar education level, correct me if I am wrong. I knew about SDU but I didn't know they actually set up a SDS for the non-graduates. Can be more obvious or not hur?

I feel sick

2006-10-03T19:53:00.000-07:00

The strangest thing about aging process

Is when your body starts telling you not to eat unhealthy food

I assume it doesn't happen to everyone

I know of many friends whom could not wean off their favourite char kway teow and sea hum

And they are in their fifties

Sometimes the craving kicks in once in a blue moon and I would have a sinful serving of coconut milk laden Malay food for lunch

Maybe even a 3-piece KFC chicken meal with all the frills they throw in

I would usually feel sick therafter, maybe even for the rest of the day

I could visualise my body sending signs of protestations all over

Objecting to my choice of diet and punishing me with indigestion and bouts of nausea

I should have just stuck to my usual tasteless and bland lunch of yong tau foo soup and porridge

Sorry for the boring food rants today

I have been unable to get my spirits up since a piece of bad news I received yesterday

One of my closest friends have been diagnosed with bladder cancer

At the prime of his life, about to get married end of this year to his lovely beau of 7 years

At the peak of his career, he just achieved the two biggest goals of his life

To own his beautiful dream home and marry his sweetheart

I have never seen him break down in all these years I'd known him

We have shared so much, our dreams, aspirations and secret fears

The years we have worked hard together, attempting success in our careers

Maybe it's not the nasi goreng I had for lunch

Maybe it's the ugly twist of fate that leaves a nasty after-taste in the mouth

We all know acceptance comes eventually

But it is like what he said

It just never occurred to us because we are so young and we thought we were invincible for now

But of course,

We're not.

Damn The Husband

2006-09-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

A lady customer walked into the shop on a lazy weekday afternoon, pushing a stroller.

She looked a little awkward initially, like she never meant to walk in.

Then she sprung the most surprising question on me, nothing about beddings or even furniture but, "Err.. how do you keep yourself slim huh? Any secrets??"

How strange.

I wished at that time I could throw off my power suit and pull out my flaps for her to see.

Then she started to relate of how she could not lose weight even 4 months after having the baby, and how her husband is so changed and indifferent to her these days because she's become fat.

She is just a little chubby, maybe just a bit more on the tummy because of the pregnancy, but for Christ's sake, it's only been 4 months mah!!

She appeared so genuinely upset over her husband's change of attitude towards her, my heart went out to her.

She had a sweet smile and lovely features, something I would deem more important than having a great figure.

Maybe because I am a woman (much as I doubt so every now and then, but I was still one the last time I checked) and I dun have much use for great figures.

Which reminds me of a fridge magnet I once read off Julian's fridge that says, "I am fat and I can diet, but you are ugly!!"

I would like to dump The Husband in double quick time if I were in her shoes.

But of course, I would never completely understand until I am truely in her skin, and also into their marriage.

Damn, it is so tough being a wife to somebody.

You are expected to cook like a chef, manage housework with the efficiency of a maid.

Breed like a rabbit with the control of the offspring genders like the Stork.

And these days, you are expected to bring home half the dough too.

And all on top of that, baby, you gotta look good and look in your twenties for the rest of your life.

Somewhere along those lines anyway.

How scary.

No wonder Anonymous likens marriages to hell lah, hor?

One can never be completely free...

2006-09-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

Of one's past.

You will still look back and wonder what that insane bitch of a ex-wife is doing now.

You would wonder if she has already found a man whom would put up with her crazy bouts of catastrophic tantrums,

Or maybe hope that she is dying of regret and loneliness.

You might even be concerned whether she is still running into huge debts or personal problems,

And suffering alone, without you to help her out now.

All these emotions and memories from the past,

Are we all binded to them so helplessly?

Can we ever cut free of the emotional chords?

These occasional heartaches that seize us so suddenly,

Maybe even when it has been several years down the road.

Can we try to stop missing,

The person we once loved with all our heart?

The person whom was once our Universe?

The person whom was once an integrated part of our lives?

Little no wonder we are all walking slouched as we advance,

Weighed down with the emotional baggage we accumulate and carry as we go along.

Look at this : http://mackbaby.blogspot.com/2006/09/1740-hrs-september-13th-2006.html

How does one ever keep up with the incessant changing of needs and wants,

All through the rest of their lifetimes?

I am talking about growing together, not apart.

And listening, but also fulfiling.

Not just conveying, but also communicating.

Not just interacting, but also participating.

Hell, the list could go on and on...

Sometimes I feel it is just too difficult lah.

Maybe I am just destinated to remain single for the rest of my life,

All because of my fear for disappointments.

All because of my wretched self-esteem,

When a single rejection to come might prove to be a fatal blow.

Yes I conclude, I am a quitter too.

Mourning the loss of my mobile phone

2006-09-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

I left it in a blue Comfort cab this afternoon and realised only 3 secs after the taxi driver has driven out of sight.

Using my friend's mobile, I called my own number frantically but the phone was shut off after the second consecutive call.

No, the driver did not pick up any passengers after me and he must've been the one whom picked up the phone and shut it off for keeps.

Yes, it is my fault for being so careless but I still made a report to track down the driver with their GPRS system.

Guys, please contact me via email if you need to get me these two days.

*Sulks..*

My msn seem to be lagging too, I am not ignoring you if you msned me and get no replies from me.

Sibeh sian.. Hai..

Just Musings...

2006-09-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

My mum's divorce is proving to be probably ten times more stressful than my own

What a year 2006 is turning out to be for me

I cannot allow myself to stop and think if I really wanna keep going for now

All relationship and problems at work, doubts and grey areas have to put on hold for now

I need to excuse myself to deal with the more needy issues on hand

Mid-life crisis (25 years old is not too young to be gg through it, I might die young at 50 years old can?) gotta wait til year 2007

For the time being, let's relax on the depressing issues

I talked to someone recently whom told me he used to have this mentality that his current beau must always be prettier than his last.

This is the first guy I have talked to whom openly confesses this.

Say... guys, I know that most of you ain't exactly drop-dead gorgeous yourselves but since, it seems like you all are always the more visual creatures of the two genders, could you perhaps satisfy my curiousity?

How much does it matter to you, physical appearance of your beau-to-be?

How long does this form of physical attraction lasts for? The entire duration of the relationship?

Would you love this knn gan see lang chio one more than the last one cause this one is gan see lang chio?

Haha... provide some entertainment for me leh, take my mind off things for awhile mah.

Cheers!

No well-defined answers to most important decisions you should make in life, I just need a little bit more time and alot more wisdom...

2006-08-31T22:30:00.000-07:00

So many thoughts

Messy

Disorganised

Cluttered

Let me gather my thoughts first

In a clearer state of mind

Before I could write a sequel to yours

Before the thoughts and words flow smooth again

I was so bored I would do anything to chase the boredom away...

2006-08-12T20:45:00.000-07:00

So I visited a forum and stumbled across a moron's thread

Whom reminds me so much of my ex (David)

That I really could not resist posting this up.

Read:-

Matters of the Heart - Moronic gal
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From:
Luciano (rhysmhc)
10-Aug 11:53
To:
ALL
1 of 53

114196.1
Brothers, I just got into an argument with a gal, former friend now. I went out with her (call her X) to Double O couple of weeks ago. Then she asked me if she can bring along another friend, a gal (call her Y). I said yes. Then we met at Double O. She (X) wasnt the happening kind, quiet, soft spoken and doesnt like to cheong the disco floor. I dun like her. Her friend Y, was more happening, more spontaneous in conversation. In the wine bar she did most of the talking. Then I ask her for the phone number and she gave it. A few days later, I tried asking the both of them out. No success. X asked me if I got call Y out, and I said yes. Then she said she is busy, but I guess that she is jealous. So I called her out a few days later, she asked me the same question this time I said no. Then she came out. Fine. Had dinner that was it. Today I saw her in MSN, got to talk to her. I asked her if she liked me. She said no, definitely. Then again, where got girls come out with guys whom they dun like? I dun believe it. She then said I got no brain. Think clearly why gals dun like me. I think she just fucking dun want to lose face by admitting it that she likes me. I din like to treat her to dinner that day. Waste my time and money, though I have lots of it. By the way, X is from China. Highly possible she used to be a fucking pros. Studied in Temasek poly. ka ni na. I hate girls who try to act high class. stuck up China za bor. Says her friend dun like me also. Bullshit. I got her number ok. chao chee bye. Green eye monster.

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Heh so cute this person confirm kong liao.

The resemblence is so uncanny though.

I.see.dead.people.

2006-08-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

Yes

They are all around

And they are all hungry

Seventh Month Hungry Ghost Festival mah

I see them queuing outside the restaurants for food

Yes

They queue

But they get bored too

Especially the little ones

Yes they congregate in families too

They push into the shops randomly

They mess up stuff in the shops

They really dun quite care

They are really just hungry

And bored

They come in and think I cannot see them

Because they do not know

That I see dead people

Shit, the seventh month ghost festival is driving me nuts

Please ignore me.

The Tears Should Be For Someone Else

2006-08-06T12:06:00.000-07:00

We all need a dose of this every now and then.

http://beautifuldeaddoll.blogspot.com/2006/07/those-tears-should-be-for-someone-else.html

Happy Farking Birthday to Myself!

2006-08-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

A year older and none the wiser..

Never intended to celebrate this year's birthday

Cause 25 years old is no age for a woman to be happy, really.

Round off that and it is 30, no longer 20.

Must remember to stop singing the Cookie Monster song at whim

Must remember to stop mimicking the LOTR Hokkien Ah-Bee-y-u-still-dunwanna-sleep incessantly

Must remember to stop prancing around whenever I am excited

Must remember to stop being so easily excitable

Must remember to stop song-song point middle finger

Oh the KNNBCCBs must stop too.

Must remember to pour more sunblock on me when I leave the house cause pigmentation start liao

Must remember to apply more firming cream cause everything starting to sag liao

Must remember to eat less suppers cause metabolism slow down drastically liao

Fucking hell, getting on the years is absolutely no fun at all.

*Sidenote: Thank you, you all lovely people for the birdday wishes, cakes, flowers and everything else. I is so very touched. Lub all of u!

Hope Mack dun mind me linking him up. Hee..

2006-08-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

http://mackbaby.blogspot.com/2006/08/1400-hrs-august-2nd-2006.html

Had a good laugh over Mack's last post.

Tribute to BB

2006-08-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

How silly of me

Just finished reading 'Marley and Me' for the 2nd time with misty eyes

Damn I am turning into a sissy woman

The last few chapters whereby the dog was turning old and sickly

And of course eventually passing on never fails to get to me

We know that sometimes they just can never be truely replaced

They spent the biggest parts of their short little lives waiting for you to come home

But the most amazing thing of all

They teach you the art of unconditional love

Of enjoying the simple pleasures in life

They just come and leave such big holes in your hearts

Protecting you with their tiny teeth

Shielding you from harm with their little bodies

Consoling you and offering their lifetimes' worth of companionship

Licking your face dry from your tears

And breaking their legs just so they could jump onto that too-high bed

Just to be with you

I missed my dog.

Just thinking aloud, ignore me.

2006-07-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

It has been more than a month since your birthday has passed

I am running out of ideas as to what to get for your birthdays

Buy you nice CDs you also cannot appreciate so waste my money

Buy you nice clothes but you only like the frumpy type you always favoured

Besides you are getting plumper by the day I dunno your size anymore you bitch

Buy you nice ladylike bags you compraint you cannot put your test papers in it to take home

Buy you nice shoes you say you only like flats with big solid straps at the front and back

Buy you nice perfume but you cannot smell anything hai..

Buy you nice make-up sets but you would only use them twice a year?

Buy you nice jewellery but you are too lazy to inter-change them duh..

You stupid aunty you are so fast auntified when you are only barely married for a year

I can't even get away with buying stupid expensive worthless porcelain figurines

Like I did with Sj's wedding gift Precious Moments next door would do

Because it would not appeal to the auntified practical side in you

Maybe I should just get you some little baby clothes

So you would be compelled to make some little nieces and nephews fast

For me to play with by next year

Oh prease just do it and get over with it

I can't stand your lifelong planning anymore

It is as easy as laying an egg

A few clucks and you are done

Bitch.

Haha.

Would it really make a difference?

2006-07-22T12:23:00.000-07:00

If he wanted to stray and you try to prevent it

Does it really matter

If she enjoys the attention

But still comes home at the end of the day to love you

Is it really like what they say?

That sexual jealously is a useless emotion

I still dwell on that statement up til this day

Ever since I chanced upon it 12 years ago

We are such different creatures, men and us women

God must be really bored up there

Bringing the two together so the world would be more interesting

altogether

Mackie said disappointment comes when you have expectations

Which set me thinking...

I traced back to a time whereby I had zilch expectations of men in general

It is not like I am extremely demanding now

But it seems I already have very well-defined expectations now

I wonder if this falls under realistic expectations?

I do not ask for faithfulness

You can come and go, as and when your heart tells you

I ask for a man whom follows his heart

It is perfectly okay for you to fall in love with someone else

I only ask to be the first to know

But once you have chosen to leave, I will not take you back anymore

I ask for a man with zeal and passion for life and it's challenges

I abhor sloth, procrastination and pessimism as character traits in

men

I wanna tell them to go jump down a building

They are wasting precious space and oxygen on Earth

Please do not tell me you just want a stable job

When you are really just stagnanted

When you are really too lazy to budge

When you are really afraid of changes in life

I can't have a man whom is too timid to explore new horizons in life

Before long you would see that I have already moved on without you

I hope you are not thinking of going dutch in a marriage

Where everything is calculated and halved

Because men are suppose to provide and support

I am still conservative at heart where it really matters

It does not really matter if you have not made it

I just want to see you trying your best until you make it

It is really not just about domestic partnership

I am looking for a man, not a business partner in life

Do not come to me and tell me you do not know what you really want

Or you do not know how you really feel

You are suppose to be a leader in this couplehood/ marriage

How do you control me

If I cannot even look up to you?

Do not expect me to stay at home for good to look after the kids

I want to grow as an individual too

Why should I become a suaku uninteresting woman

A housewife and a baby-making machine

Just because you are making enough to support us all?

I have probably written enough here today

To have men screaming "You stupid typical feminist win-liao-lor woman!"

I assessed the above carefully

Neither do I feel that they are unreasonable expectations

Dun start yet, because I am not finished here

I shall continue another day

When I am really bored again.

About Disappointment

2006-07-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

A colleague shared with me not too long ago

She would rather be angry with someone

Than to be disappointed

She can't be more right

Disappointment should be categorised as one of the worse state of emotion

Anyone could go through

It takes away the years of disillusion

Whereby you thought you knew someone

But maybe you never really did

Today is officially...

2006-07-11T17:19:00.000-07:00

Whining Day!!!

Dun worry guys, it's over.

Thanks to Mackie, Will and my baby Hanyao.

Sorry that you guys caught me online in one of those erratic mood swings

But thanks for being my angels today.

Would you believe it? I am so much better already!!!

Now to think about what I should do after work today.

Hiak hiak hiak hiak...

Random Rants

2006-07-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

I am swearing off God

He sux.

I'd try to remember to apologise for sinning when on my death bed

But in case I forgot or did not get a chance to repent with all my might just before I die

Go ahead, send me to hell and burn me for my audacity.

Then at least I would know one thing for sure

That Judgement Day is bullshit too.

Another abandoned dog

2006-06-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

http://joeyjrt.blogspot.com/2006/06/abandoned-dog.html

When will these nonsense stop?

Now and then.

2006-06-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

I am quite sure

I had been exasperating beyond your tolerance level

Many many times throughout these years.

Being brutally blunt and extremely vocal all these while

I have never failed to raise hell for any insensitivities on your part.

I made sure all the air was meticulously cleared before we kissed and made up.

Though it was so crude and extremely brash; I even wince at my own recollections of it.

No wonder I wore you down

I am so sorry I was so barbaric.

But

I wouldn't say my points back then were invalid

I am still proving myself right everyday now

That all I had broached were very real and valid,

I only regretted choosing the wrong ways to put them across to you.

But hey,

Look at us now

Not a squabble not a frown

None of anything else too.

I sometimes wonder if you'd wish yourself back to those good old days

Where there were more tears, but also more laughter.

Where I had more grouses and complaints, but also more love.

Where you would hear more than you would like to hear from me everyday

But at least you knew me.

It's all around me, the rats...

2006-06-29T19:46:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just the phase my peers are going through..

You know, the see-who-get-married-first-and-who-have-kids-first phase.

Every unattached female peer around me is almost literally screaming "Where's the farking ring? Roar!!! Give it to me baby!!" to the first man they get together with.

Maybe it's just over-rated propaganda on our government's part.

You know, that : Have 3 or more kids better still have a dozen campaign.

One female peer blogged about her beautiful wedding and the rest swarmed in (and I mean swarm) to announce theirs.

One female peer blogged about her pregnancy and the others' blogs were filled with sudden overwhelming maternal instincts, employed, students or bummers whom could barely feed themselves, alike.

One female peer blogged about her giving-birth experience which set the others in an absolute frenzy.

I am actually reading blogs in CAPS that screams: "THAT IS SO ROMANTIC (think she refering to the husband of peer) I WANT A BABY TOO!!"

Erm.. That came from someone unattached hor.

Besides, I would hardly deem 'romantic' an appropriate word to describe a birthing process leh.

Hiak hiak hiak.. sometimes I am so glad I never shared my blog with most peers.

Then can secretly write about them mah.

Eh, nabeh my blog leh.

Kao.

And I was not exaggerating about the 'gimme the farking ring'.

I read a female peer's blog which went like this:-

I went into my dear's friend's shop with my dear hor and his friend hor call me dasao leh!! (T_T)"" Hehehehehehehe so farnie... Anyhow call until I also paisay already..... So I ask my dear's friend lor, ehhh I haven't receive his ring yet leh, how can you call me dasao? Your friend haven't give me the ring yet mah.. HEHEHEHEHE... So hor, I go and tell my dear lor, "Dear , you must go and tell your friend hor I HAVE NOT received your ring yet leh. Must see the ring then can call dasao mah..." Then my dear say, aiya anyway the ring will come sooner or later so whether call dasao now or later also no difference lah. Hehehehehe....

You see, it's all about rings.

In their minds I mean.

And the author of the above paragraph have yet to celebrate the 1st month anniversary of their relationship together.

Now you get what I mean.

It's a rat race out there.

Hai.

I have been tagged...

2006-06-28T03:40:00.000-07:00

Tagged by Kierra:-

1. Do the following WITHOUT complains.

2. Leave a tag on the person tagboard to say he/she have been tagged

3. Start your post with “I have been tagged!”

Favourites

Favourite colour: Black, red and teal

Favourite food: Black angus prime rib

Favourite song: Alot leh

Favourite movie: Alot also

Favourite sport: Jogging

Favourite day of the week: Mondays cos I off mah

Favourite season: I like the rainy season

Favourite ice-cream: Ben and Jerrys'!!!

Currents

Current mood: Sibeh sian

Current taste: Porridge from Crystal Jade

Current clothes: Power suit

Current deskstop: Default autumn

Current toenails: Hidden

Current time: 1623

Current surroundings: I am at work

Current annoyances: None for the moment

Current thoughts: Should I have porridge for the 28th time this month?

Firsts

First best friends: Cindy

First crush: I can't even remember his name... errr.. Gerard?

First movie: The Eraser, or something like that, by that Arnold Sia-mi-waa-go.

First lie: Cam't remember, seriously...

First music: Definately can't remember liao

Lasts

Last drink(alcohol): Two weeks back?

Last car ride: Last night?

Last crush: Huh? It's been a loooong time, seriously can't remember.

Last movie: Da Vinci Code, and it sux.

Last phone call: 15mins ago

Last CD played: High society, Jazzamor

Have you ever

Have you ever dated your best friend: Yes

Have you ever broken the law: Yes

Have you ever been arrested: No

Have you ever skinny-dipped: No

Have you ever been on tv: No and thank God.

Have you ever kissed someone you don’t know: Not that I know of

5 things you are wearing: Watch, earrings, contact lens, shoes and clothes.

4 things you done today:

1) I woke up early today, hehehe..

2) I got down to doing my own laundry early in the morning today, even though it wasn't my offday today.

3) I even had time to make lunch for my mum today.

4) I did not have to take any hours off today to be on time.

5) Neither did I have to take a cab, public transport! Yes!

3 things you can hear right now: The CD playing, my own typing, my heels on the wooden laminate floor.

1 thing you do when you are bored: Doing this meme lor. Heh..

Errr.. do I really have to tag someone? Guys, you all volunteer lah hor, do it when you are bored. Hurhurhur..

Yet another falls...

2006-06-15T05:03:00.000-07:00

And a few more to come.

Congrats to Jeanny, the youngest

Prettiest

Sweetest

And the least likely of us all, to get married at 24.

I shall post the pictures of her lovely wedding tonight, to properly illustrate this post.

As I grow older, the more sceptical I become, of the word 'marriage'.

It used to be a beautiful word.

It defines a holy matrimonial affair, a sacred union where two becomes one.

Pictures of church bells, family, friends and all well-wishers

Congregating to celebrate and to bless, yada yada and all that.

Then each couple proceed to live happily ever after with beautiful babies and the cutest of kids bouncing on their laps.

Or so I thought lah.

I wonder if I am pessimistic by nature?

Or am I seeing more unhappy marriages than the happy ones that actually lasted?

Maybe I am the complicated screwed up sick-in-the-mind one.

At the end of the day, those whom deserve to find happiness would be able to find it, of course.

Sj's wedding is next on the long list of wedding invites I received this year.

7th of July, just a few weeks down the road, he's gonna take the brave leap into it.

I am happy for them, of course, I only wished I could declare these angpows as expenses incurred on my income tax.

I pray hard I would not extend my congratulations to him, with eyes burning with desire to ask, "Are you sure, buddy?"

I can't choose family...

2006-06-14T01:18:00.000-07:00

When I chose not to tell you anything

You claimed to be worried

You spread half-truths

When you barely know anything

I saw it as a betrayal

But because you were family

We cannot choose family

I forgave and allowed it to be forgotten

Even though your half truths triggered off events

Which made me lose someone

Whom helped and comforted and loved me in all the ways you could not

Now when I choose to tell you everything

Alleviate your worries

Informing and patiently explaining to you

What I am doing and why I am doing it

You still chose to get answers from another channel

What is the whole point of telling you everything you want to know

Explaining to you the reasons I have behind my every action

When you wouldn't support nor accept anyway

Neither would you help to assuage my secret dark fears

Fears you had always belittled

Had I always appeared too strong

That was what I often wondered

Nevertheless, I stopped wondering

I never take too long to come to a decision

When I shut the door and clam up

Which is what I will do from now onwards

Do not knock nor seek

For I will not open up anymore.

She

2006-06-08T12:17:00.000-07:00

Into her 25th year, she was already reduced to a mere shadow of what she started out life with.

No longer enjoying the little things she used to get excited over, the atmosphere of hollowness which carries her days through were strangely peaceful yet empty.

Her rages used to be catastrophic, her love used to be fiery and passionate.

Her excitement used to be infectious, her eyes carried a gleam of fire and determination.

Nothing probably interests her anymore.

Life holds no more significance for her, save responsibilities and obligations, doing the things that needed to be done and universally accepted.

The beautiful, happy and fiesty passionate little girl, whom liked to do things different from the world, is almost gone now.

The Showdown I had been waiting for

2006-05-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

He called in the middle of the night

And sent the abusive smses

Not that I am not used to all these drama by now

He came by my house in the morning

Realised that he lost the house, lost the fight

He could not reach in time for the pair of scissors

He had stashed in his pockets earlier on

He reached for the nearest flower pot

Smashed it

Took a piece of the broken pieces

And tried again, to inflict hurt

Why?

Haven't you realised I am not the same little girl from 12years ago?

Alone

Afraid

Easily manipulated

Easily threatened

I may not be very strong now

But I am strong enough to face you head on

I may tremble

My hands may shake a little

But I can still take you by the bull's horns

All the way

Til you walk away defeated

Because if you don't

The police would be arriving any minute

You only had enough nuts to bully the clueless kid I was back then

You did not have enough to last you til the real world steps in.

Lost

2006-05-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

Past the stage to feel any pain nor sorrow

I no longer know what to do with my life

What to feel and what to think

I dunno what is the next step I should take anymore

Physically, mentally and emotionally I feel so drained

Everyday I drag myself to do the same things I do everyday

Smiling at customers, laughing with friends and joking when I am at home

I appear to be the same

But I am actually just a walking dead

Dun be mistaken

I am not unhappy

I am just devoid of any emotion at this point

To think that I still have an imminent divorce battle to fight out in a few week's time

Maybe my to be ex-husband would instead inject some new life and fighting spirit in me

Soon

We'd see.

Pictures from my Phuket trip Day 1 (Exploring the place and lotsa food)

2006-05-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

Candid shot at Changi Airport

Jules - Landed at the Phuket International Airport

Checked in and ready to explore the place

Jules too..

Wah suaku leh, never take pictures at a beach before.

We just need to camwhore abit.

Lunch at Fuji - Jules and his neverending ramen.

We were halfway through the sashimi, paisay..

Dunnno what ramen..

Us- Fuji Japanese Restaurant Day 1

Wat's left of our lunch.

Dinner came right after lunch. whahaha..

Jules' favourite food - freshly shucked oysters

I like the way they presented the steam fish dish..

I was too full to smile liao lor..

Pictures from my Phuket trip Day 2 (Island Hopping in a speedboat)

2006-05-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

Not my usual way of greeting people in the morning!

Breakfast at the Hotel - Day 2

Jules - Day 2

Jules on the speedboat to our island hopping trip

Pictures of the lovely beaches at Rach's request

Jules must pose with them, of course..

Jules' dream house by the sea

Sunning the ticks off my back in the baywaters

I din sink!!

Jules the aspiring photographer forced me to pose for many pictures..

I am getting very burnt here..

Jules after snorkeling..

The waters were so clear..

The bay where "The Beach" was filmed.

An angmor secretly posed with Jules behind him, we explored the streets after the exhuasting but exhilarating day.

Pictures from my Phuket trip Day 3 (Parasailing)

2006-05-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

Dogs go parasailing too, on the island.

I am going too!

Me- Taking off..

I am up there!

Obviously I enjoyed the ride!

After much persuasion and chicken calling from the parasailing guys, we manage to get the parasailing gear on Jules. He dun look that sure though, he is scared of heights.

Jules- taking off..

He's up there!

The Landing

Jules din die.

Confirm he din die.

One last look at the beautiful island I was leaving behind..

Wei's sidenote: Of course, there were many other things we did whereby we have all four hand full and couldn't take pictures. The snorkeling was a really amazing first time experience for me. When I swam next to the schools of fishes, mostly small but some a little too big for comfort; when they started to grab whatever food outta our hands, I couldn't stop wishing we had the waterproof case for our camera.

The massages was another first time experience for me, I used to swear I would not pay for a stranger to touch my body and that I could not appreciate massages. BOY~ was I wrong.

I wanted to braid my hair, but my boss would go nuts if I go to work with a head of braided, beaded hair.

Apart from that, I think we did try most things we wanted too.

It had been the most wonderful vacation. Phuket, I'd be back.

This blog entry was dated sometime January 2006, extracted from my old blog

2006-05-04T23:10:00.000-07:00

"For Jeslyn:

Woman, I can't offer you consolation for everything that has happened to you in your life

I can't offer you much help, all these issues are not within my control

I always have a soft spot for you, I dunno why

I always say I'm giving up on you, for the very last time, I'm sick of your episodes

But I never do, I never give you up.

I watch you make decisions, I watch you fail and fall, time and time again

I watch you cry alone, I am unable to summon anymore tears for you

But I can only offer you companionship

God knows it does little to ease the terrible pain and hurt that's been inflicted

But it is all I could do

When everything I say now would be lame, superficial and silly even.

I would just sit quietly beside you."

It is a little silly of me, woman..

To retell how I feel about you at this point in time.

But I will still be here for you

I will still catch you when you fall.

Back from my Phuket trip

2006-05-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

The pictures would have to wait.

I got pictures of many many many hot angmors tanning nude on the beach.

Call me suaku, I like can or not?

It is interesting to note how a seven year relationship, could just drift apart in a matter of a couple of months.

I thought this trip, spending a few days totally alone with him, would propel me to a decision.

Whether we still had the chemistry

Whether it was still worth fighting for

Whether we could pick up the pieces and go with the gusto of young hearts

He has changed somehow..

I noted the tinge of fatigue in him when we were together.

Like the both of us had been trying too hard to make something work for years and years.

We stopped trying for a month or two and we couldn't pick it up from where we last left it.

When he had decided he had enough rest and wanted to give it another shot

It was too long for me.

I think I had moved on.

Misinformed

2006-04-24T06:18:00.003-07:00

It might be interesting to note how quick people are to jump to conclusions and assume.

My bad, I did not state who I was refering to in my previous blog entries.

Jules is back in town.

We hadn't got a chance to really talk.

But I ain't really looking forward to it.

Maybe running away from the problems is so much easier than trying to resolve them.

WTF?

2006-04-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

There is a difference in reminiscing lost love, and wallowing in self-pity...

My neighbor Brenda, told me a very touching love story last night.

It was so captivating that I kept poor Will waiting til after midnight for the planned supper.

I would like to begin it the old fashioned way..

Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl whom knew from the age of 7 years old, that they were destined for each other.

They shared a bond that no one else could compare, having grown up together and having shared all the most important years of their childhood, teenhood and young adult years together.

The most amazing thing about their relationship, was that they were telepathic to each others' state of mind, emotions, sometimes even location.

They could sense a lot of things that were happening to each other at that point in time, it was a very strong emotional chord, unfathomable to others but only themselves.

(It sounds incredulous, but if you were to know Brenda personally, you would know that you can trust every word that comes out of her mouth.)

To cut a beautiful story short (lack of sleep, can't do justice to the story), they always thought that they were each other's destiny.

Through the childhood years, the teen years, the young adult years..

They were together, then they broke up.

They were together, then they broke up.

They were together, then they broke up.

It was always the circumstances at work, the numerous misunderstandings, the sheer number of obstacles which kept them apart, time and time again.

One would never believe how a relationship could have had as many obstacles as theirs.

They could sense their longings, the passion, the desire for each other, even when they were living in the different parts of the world.

They got increasingly worn down by the depression they could sense from each other, being kept apart.

"I want you, but I can't have you."

Eventually, they got married, to their own respective partners.

Life and love wore them out, they just wanna forget.

When they looked at their partners, they see only each other's regrets for the shattered destiny of a lifetime.

Their dreams were filled with each other's silouettes, shadows that were running away from each other, but mysteriously meet again.

It was the shattered destiny, which was shattering the rest of their lives in every aspect.

End.

I have never personally experienced love of this intensity but this is a really sad story which set me thinking...

It was why Brenda told me this story in the first place, she doesn't want me to experience the story for myself.

The lifetime of regrets, what-ifs and what could've-beens to bear.

They always broke up not knowing exactly why and what they did.

I wish he was in town, I really wanna ask him.

Why did you push me away then hold my hand again?

The Cutest Dog on Earth

2006-04-13T18:05:00.000-07:00

Life is boring as a retail staff...

2006-04-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

If I continue to stone like this, I'm turning into stone soon... Wait a minute, what's that crazy person doing, aiming the camera this way??!!

Two can play at this game, somemore my camera better than yours. Professional one leh..

Lemme learn how to use it first..

Need to aim properly one mah..

*Self-satisfied smile..* Haha gotcha!

Wei's sidenote: Sometimes I think my brain either degenerate from the boredom or I go nuts. Forgive my silly post.

Something I stole from my friend...

2006-04-11T11:47:00.000-07:00

Alone in this house again tonight

I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine

There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me

The way that it was and could have been surrounds me

I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on

"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone

Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters

It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better

But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

-"Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban

For Mack

2006-04-10T13:01:00.000-07:00

Hi, sorry I did not pick up your calls nor reply your sms.

Most of the time, I was at some noisy pub so I did not hear the calls at all.

I wanted to return your calls but I did not want to talk about him.

I had been thinking alot these days...

Couldn't help wondering why

Why he gave up without a fight

Then I mustered up my courage to sms him, "How's life?"

He said, "So.. So.. Abit lost and boring. Realised I do not have many close friends"

We chatted on the phone abit.

Talked about normal things, he said he would return the TVB drama VCDs he borrowed from my neighbor

I asked him how he found the drama

He said it was great story plot, but the ending was a little disappointing, abit weak.

I said, yeah.. funny how hard they fought in the palace for years and then suddenly for something trivial, they just gave up everything without a fight.

He agreed with me.

Then I said, just like you.

I initiated the break and you gave up without a fight.

He tensed and paused for a long time before saying, yah, I dunno why.

I said, you are tired too, that's why.

He said, yah, maybe.... I really needed a break, for the two of us.

I did not tell him I do not believe in taking breaks.

I always knew that you are either in or out.

We ended with take cares.

In all truth, perhaps I still harboured a teeny weeny little hope that he would fight a little more to have me back.

There was still a curious little dark thought that perhaps we would be back after a few weeks or so.

After last night's conversation, I knew that my decision to initiate a break was a right one.

We did end amiacably.

Because I think he wanted one but he is like you,

He would never have initiated one.

Like you, he never deserts nor abandon.

But I want no man to love me out of responsibilities and obligations.

The basis for love was so very wrong to start with.

Last night was further revealation which was both hurting and conclusive

I can finally put the matter to rest.

It was mutual and it was amicable.

I like it this way.

Because we share so much in common after all these years

That he would be the bestest best friend I would never have again.

When are you getting wasted with me, lesbian partner?

Life as a walking dead

2006-04-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

You wake up in the morning and brush your teeth

You take your morning coffee and prepare to go to work

You travel to work and sit in front of the comp

Wondering how soon you can get off work

You wonder where you should go after work

Should you get wasted in the pubs again tonight

Or should you just seek solace in other people's companionship

Listening to their problems which you prob dun even give two hoots about

You get home wasted late at night

You take a shower and take off your contact lens

You lie in your bed

Too drunk to think

Too drunk to wallow

Too drunk to be miserable

You wake up in the morning with a hangover

And begin a new day all over again

Such is the life of a walking dead

I just needed to say this somewhere...

2006-04-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

I found a big piece of my heart missing

It is in the shape of your silouette

It was when I said, no, to you yesterday

I did not understand back then

Why two people can't be together

When they are still deeply in love

Now I can

Seven years of shared dreams and aspirations

All shattered in a moment's deadly silence

We were so near to the finishing line

Yet a moment of truth revealed

We were actually so far

It broke my heart when I knew the real situation

The last two years had been a sham

I turned it into a scam

When all along I believed we were real

I do not dare look into your face

I know that I would just turn soft

I do not dare hear you cry

I know I would just hug you and never let go forever

Now there is a huge void where you used to fill

It is so big I can't find my heart anymore

Maybe when you have given it all

You have nothing more to give anymore

Thank you guys

2006-03-31T19:27:00.000-08:00

Thank you for your concern, to probably the only two people whom reads my blog.

I had been the walking dead for the past week or so, can't bear to think, can't bear to feel.

Maybe something died in me, the night I read his reply to my email.

I dunno, it's too painful to start thinking, I dun wanna start.

I dun even wanna be left alone for a minute so silent thoughts can creep in.

It is harder to give him up willingly

Then it was if I was left with no choice

I wished he had left it to end in silence

Than him smsing me last night to say sorry

The problem I am facing now is no longer the issue that triggered off everything

It is the issues which emerged, opening my eyes to an otherwise blissful relationship

I dun deserve him

I had been selfish to keep him for seven years

All along knowing he deserves better

I had been selfish, wilful and wasted seven years of his youth, time, money, energy and effort

If I had any last shred of decency and conscience left in me,

If I had really loved him

The only last thing I could do for him now is to leave him for him to move on to better things

I know you would not agree with me

But you were not here to see, to hear and to feel.

It's over

2006-03-27T23:12:00.000-08:00

Yes

I would appreciate if you dun call him to ask why and what happened.

Please dun ask me why what happened now too.

We are both still hurting so please dun ask me now.

Thanks.

I am really confused now

2006-03-25T19:55:00.000-08:00

Can't help it.

25 years old is too old to not know what I really want

Yes I resent that but I can't help it

You whom have no time and energy left at the end of the day to even talk to me

Or even listen to me talk

Not to even mention meet up face to face

You whom wants me to stay home and make your daily phone calls the highlights of my day

Confined to the corridor

You whom cannot trust me still

Even a simple thing like doing my own research for my own career

You resort to interrogation and confrontational methods to ask a simple and redundant question like that

You dun trust me to do my own thing for myself

You accuse me wrongly when it is you whom had forgotten all that I had updated you

I start to realise that you were never listening when I talk

It had always been a one-way conversation

You dun have time for me

But you want me to stay home everyday

I am sorry

I can't swallow that

Random Rants - Ignore Me

2006-03-17T20:18:00.000-08:00

I know I shouldn't

But I did

I know it's not right

But I did it anyway

I know you dun give a damn

That's why I hate myself for even bothering to care

I fucking hate you

I wish I am past caring

But I still can't manage it for now

*tears hair*

I'm going crazy and it's all your fault, you son of a bitch.

First Obligatory Post

2006-02-14T20:58:00.000-08:00

Firstly, gotta thank a certain character, for driving lazy me to shift url and start a new blog all over again. I had been wanting to do that all these while for confidentiality issues but ... aye... the evils of procrastination.

Okie dokie! The First Obligatory Post!

Today is a red letter day for me and many others. It is Valentines' Day, but hey, it's not a red letter day for me in that sense lah. I mean my period came today and boy was that a big relief or what? It was late!

Okay, I digressed. I'm working full shift today because my partner's off. I'm falling asleep fast in front of the blinking computer screen, suffering from an immense hangover and I'm bleeding. And bored, of course.

I read blogs from all over, probably singles mostly, declaring their bitterness for this day.

If you ask me what I think, today is just another day whereby I can ask Julian for present. Like a 2nd birthday, you know? Heh.. I'm a practical girlfriend. I want an IPod nano.

Maybe festivities like this just tend to draw out the loneliness in the people whom are truely alone. Picture this: Everywhere you walk, every couple is extra loving, gifts and flowers, hugs and kisses, airborne heartshaped objects flutter everywhere. Every corner you turn into, couples, couples, more couples! God damn it! Why can't they just stay at home and screw, you wonder.

Maybe it's really just so commercialised after all, or maybe we'd been together for so many donkey years and this officially appointed day of the year for men and women in love, is just losing it's significance (if any to begin with) for me.

I can't really remember what an intitial bud of love felt like. Was it a rush of adrenaline? Fluttering of hearts? Pitter patter pit? Anxiety? Anticipation? Longing? I forgot.

When the inflated passion is punctured, what's left of it might just be good old love, adoration and companionship.

I need to inject some new life in my relationship, maybe the excitement of marriage? Hehe... I hear the siren go off.

I'm fucking bored, ranting and raving.

I am already in love with them

When She Loved Me, by Sarah Mclachlan

And we all had a fun morning...

It's been a long time, maybe... 10 years?

Going on 31 weeks

Long overdue: Updates at 27weeks and into my last trimester...

Half baked: Personal reflections along the way

20.9 weeks and ...

Meow's paw

Child Abuse Video (Part 2)

Child Abuse Video (Part 1)

18 something weeks

Starting to keep track at 17 weeks =)

Hi Eliza, here they are!

-01022008-

2007 - A year of fond memories

I know what I want this X'mas

Say...

Treading into the big unknown...

Long Overdue : *Warning - Extremely Graphic*

A long time ago

Mama says I must act like a girl now that she's got me a new dress...

五月天 志明与春娇 Live

I dunno but it's okay

The Demanding Bitch

She simply hates that ringtone and he is just finding an excuse to change mobile phone ...

Adam Sandler - Grow Old With You

Solarised Pictures

Photo Blogging updates because ...

They obviously dun own a blog

Musings

Maybe

Happy Birthday Willie!

PUI PUI PUI

Guest Blogger - Jackie

If I knew how, I would have had a title for this...

愛與誠-古巨基

JRT - The destroyer

Jackie humps

Jackie go cheong

Disappeared for a good reason

2007 in a few hours time...

I want to bash your goofy face in and trample on your balls with my heels til you could only pick up the remains with a tweezer and blotter

Sick on an offday - Make that extremely sick

Need not read - It's gonna be a total waste of your time

Time to stop and smell the flowers, dude. Rejoice in being a quitter.

14th February St Valentines' Day

What happened hur?

The Subaru Car Challenge

Just wanted to share

A Fidgety Post

Just an interesting read I stumbled upon

I feel sick

Damn The Husband

One can never be completely free...

Mourning the loss of my mobile phone

Just Musings...

No well-defined answers to most important decisions you should make in life, I just need a little bit more time and alot more wisdom...

I was so bored I would do anything to chase the boredom away...

I.see.dead.people.

The Tears Should Be For Someone Else

Happy Farking Birthday to Myself!

Hope Mack dun mind me linking him up. Hee..

Tribute to BB

Just thinking aloud, ignore me.

Would it really make a difference?

About Disappointment

Today is officially...

Random Rants

Another abandoned dog

Now and then.

It's all around me, the rats...

I have been tagged...

Yet another falls...

I can't choose family...

She

The Showdown I had been waiting for

Lost

Pictures from my Phuket trip Day 1 (Exploring the place and lotsa food)

Pictures from my Phuket trip Day 2 (Island Hopping in a speedboat)

Long Overdue : Warning - Extremely Graphic

五月天志明与春娇 Live