Yet another falls...

And a few more to come.

Congrats to Jeanny, the youngest

Prettiest

Sweetest

And the least likely of us all, to get married at 24.

I shall post the pictures of her lovely wedding tonight, to properly illustrate this post.

As I grow older, the more sceptical I become, of the word 'marriage'.

It used to be a beautiful word.

It defines a holy matrimonial affair, a sacred union where two becomes one.

Pictures of church bells, family, friends and all well-wishers

Congregating to celebrate and to bless, yada yada and all that.

Then each couple proceed to live happily ever after with beautiful babies and the cutest of kids bouncing on their laps.

Or so I thought lah.

I wonder if I am pessimistic by nature?

Or am I seeing more unhappy marriages than the happy ones that actually lasted?

Maybe I am the complicated screwed up sick-in-the-mind one.

At the end of the day, those whom deserve to find happiness would be able to find it, of course.

Sj's wedding is next on the long list of wedding invites I received this year.

7th of July, just a few weeks down the road, he's gonna take the brave leap into it.

I am happy for them, of course, I only wished I could declare these angpows as expenses incurred on my income tax.

I pray hard I would not extend my congratulations to him, with eyes burning with desire to ask, "Are you sure, buddy?"

I can't choose family...

When I chose not to tell you anything

You claimed to be worried

You spread half-truths

When you barely know anything

I saw it as a betrayal

But because you were family

We cannot choose family

I forgave and allowed it to be forgotten

Even though your half truths triggered off events

Which made me lose someone

Whom helped and comforted and loved me in all the ways you could not

Now when I choose to tell you everything

Alleviate your worries

Informing and patiently explaining to you

What I am doing and why I am doing it

You still chose to get answers from another channel

What is the whole point of telling you everything you want to know

Explaining to you the reasons I have behind my every action

When you wouldn't support nor accept anyway

Neither would you help to assuage my secret dark fears

Fears you had always belittled

Had I always appeared too strong

That was what I often wondered

Nevertheless, I stopped wondering

I never take too long to come to a decision

When I shut the door and clam up

Which is what I will do from now onwards

Do not knock nor seek

For I will not open up anymore.

She

Into her 25th year, she was already reduced to a mere shadow of what she started out life with.

No longer enjoying the little things she used to get excited over, the atmosphere of hollowness which carries her days through were strangely peaceful yet empty.

Her rages used to be catastrophic, her love used to be fiery and passionate.

Her excitement used to be infectious, her eyes carried a gleam of fire and determination.

Nothing probably interests her anymore.

Life holds no more significance for her, save responsibilities and obligations, doing the things that needed to be done and universally accepted.

The beautiful, happy and fiesty passionate little girl, whom liked to do things different from the world, is almost gone now.

The Showdown I had been waiting for

He called in the middle of the night

And sent the abusive smses

Not that I am not used to all these drama by now

He came by my house in the morning

Realised that he lost the house, lost the fight

He could not reach in time for the pair of scissors

He had stashed in his pockets earlier on

He reached for the nearest flower pot

Smashed it

Took a piece of the broken pieces

And tried again, to inflict hurt

Why?

Haven't you realised I am not the same little girl from 12years ago?

Alone

Afraid

Easily manipulated

Easily threatened

I may not be very strong now

But I am strong enough to face you head on

I may tremble

My hands may shake a little

But I can still take you by the bull's horns

All the way

Til you walk away defeated

Because if you don't

The police would be arriving any minute

You only had enough nuts to bully the clueless kid I was back then

You did not have enough to last you til the real world steps in.

Lost

Past the stage to feel any pain nor sorrow

I no longer know what to do with my life

What to feel and what to think

I dunno what is the next step I should take anymore

Physically, mentally and emotionally I feel so drained

Everyday I drag myself to do the same things I do everyday

Smiling at customers, laughing with friends and joking when I am at home

I appear to be the same

But I am actually just a walking dead

Dun be mistaken

I am not unhappy

I am just devoid of any emotion at this point

To think that I still have an imminent divorce battle to fight out in a few week's time

Maybe my to be ex-husband would instead inject some new life and fighting spirit in me

Soon

We'd see.

Pictures from my Phuket trip Day 1 (Exploring the place and lotsa food)

Candid shot at Changi Airport




















Jules - Landed at the Phuket International Airport















Checked in and ready to explore the place















Jules too..















Wah suaku leh, never take pictures at a beach before.















We just need to camwhore abit.















Lunch at Fuji - Jules and his neverending ramen.















We were halfway through the sashimi, paisay..















Dunnno what ramen..















Us- Fuji Japanese Restaurant Day 1
















Wat's left of our lunch.
















Dinner came right after lunch. whahaha..
















Jules' favourite food - freshly shucked oysters
















I like the way they presented the steam fish dish..
















I was too full to smile liao lor..

Pictures from my Phuket trip Day 2 (Island Hopping in a speedboat)

Not my usual way of greeting people in the morning!
















Breakfast at the Hotel - Day 2
















Jules - Day 2





















Jules on the speedboat to our island hopping trip
















Pictures of the lovely beaches at Rach's request





















Jules must pose with them, of course..





















Jules' dream house by the sea
















Sunning the ticks off my back in the baywaters
















I din sink!!





















Jules the aspiring photographer forced me to pose for many pictures..





















I am getting very burnt here..





















Jules after snorkeling..





















The waters were so clear..
















The bay where "The Beach" was filmed.















An angmor secretly posed with Jules behind him, we explored the streets after the exhuasting but exhilarating day.

Pictures from my Phuket trip Day 3 (Parasailing)

Dogs go parasailing too, on the island.
















I am going too!















Me- Taking off..















I am up there!




















Obviously I enjoyed the ride!
















After much persuasion and chicken calling from the parasailing guys, we manage to get the parasailing gear on Jules. He dun look that sure though, he is scared of heights.
















Jules- taking off..
















He's up there!
















The Landing
















Jules din die.
















Confirm he din die.

















One last look at the beautiful island I was leaving behind..

Wei's sidenote: Of course, there were many other things we did whereby we have all four hand full and couldn't take pictures. The snorkeling was a really amazing first time experience for me. When I swam next to the schools of fishes, mostly small but some a little too big for comfort; when they started to grab whatever food outta our hands, I couldn't stop wishing we had the waterproof case for our camera.

The massages was another first time experience for me, I used to swear I would not pay for a stranger to touch my body and that I could not appreciate massages. BOY~ was I wrong.

I wanted to braid my hair, but my boss would go nuts if I go to work with a head of braided, beaded hair.

Apart from that, I think we did try most things we wanted too.

It had been the most wonderful vacation. Phuket, I'd be back.

This blog entry was dated sometime January 2006, extracted from my old blog

"For Jeslyn:

Woman, I can't offer you consolation for everything that has happened to you in your life

I can't offer you much help, all these issues are not within my control

I always have a soft spot for you, I dunno why

I always say I'm giving up on you, for the very last time, I'm sick of your episodes

But I never do, I never give you up.

I watch you make decisions, I watch you fail and fall, time and time again

I watch you cry alone, I am unable to summon anymore tears for you

But I can only offer you companionship

God knows it does little to ease the terrible pain and hurt that's been inflicted

But it is all I could do

When everything I say now would be lame, superficial and silly even.

I would just sit quietly beside you."



It is a little silly of me, woman..

To retell how I feel about you at this point in time.

But I will still be here for you

I will still catch you when you fall.

Back from my Phuket trip

The pictures would have to wait.

I got pictures of many many many hot angmors tanning nude on the beach.

Call me suaku, I like can or not?

It is interesting to note how a seven year relationship, could just drift apart in a matter of a couple of months.

I thought this trip, spending a few days totally alone with him, would propel me to a decision.

Whether we still had the chemistry

Whether it was still worth fighting for

Whether we could pick up the pieces and go with the gusto of young hearts

He has changed somehow..

I noted the tinge of fatigue in him when we were together.

Like the both of us had been trying too hard to make something work for years and years.

We stopped trying for a month or two and we couldn't pick it up from where we last left it.

When he had decided he had enough rest and wanted to give it another shot

It was too long for me.

I think I had moved on.